Getting to Know ME

At some point this year, I decided I needed to spend some time with myself, and I mean really spend time with myself. 

Not the kind where you’re alone physically but mentally managing everybody else’s business. I wanted to understand who I was when I wasn’t busy responding to the world around me. 

So, I pulled back a little. 

I spent more time reflecting, praying, and sitting with thoughts I would sometimes rather avoid. I started paying attention to my patterns, my reactions, my fears, and the things that genuinely make me happy. 

Turns out, getting to know yourself isn’t always cute or aesthetic. A lot of times, you discover things about yourself that require conversations with yourself, and sometimes, that conversation needs several follow-up meetings and action points 😂

One thing I’ve realized is that I’m a collection of contradictions. 

I am stoic and anxious, scared and brave, independent and still need reassurance. I can look like I have everything under control while internally running seventeen different scenarios about how something could go wrong. 

Somehow, all these versions of me can exist at the same time. 

For a long time, I thought understanding myself meant figuring out exactly who I was and becoming that person consistently. Now, I’m learning that people are a little more complicated than that. 

I’m also learning that growth doesn’t always mean changing who you are. In most cases, it means understanding why you are the way you are, accepting the parts of yourself you’ve been too hard on, and deciding which patterns you no longer want to carry. 

I’ve been showing up for myself in other ways too, including being consistent at the gym. Small things, but they remind me that taking care of myself is something I can actively choose. 

As I approach 33, I don’t think I’ve completely figured myself out - far from it. 

I’m, however, becoming more comfortable with the person I’m discovering. 

And for now, that’s enough.