In My Brokenness, I Never Lacked What I Needed

One of the running themes of 32 was: having faith doesn’t mean you’ll never have difficult days. 

Sometimes you pray and still feel anxious; other times you trust God and still have questions. Sometimes you believe everything will work out, but you’d also appreciate a small hint about how and when, because the suspense is getting out of hand 😂

This year, I’ve experienced some of my deepest moments of prayer. I’ve had to sit down with God and ask Him what the deal is. I’ve had to confront myself too, and parts of me that were not bearing fruit have died. 

I’ve had to confront very uncomfortable feelings, including my ability to give and receive love. I’ve had to navigate loss and its impact on those around me. I’ve had to make peace with things I couldn’t control (if you know me, you know I like being on top of things)

Somewhere in all of that, my relationship with God changed. I no longer view Him as ‘smite first, ask questions later’ (He still can, btw); I see Him as a Father. I found myself praying more, listening more, and becoming more aware of His presence in my life. 

I’ve also experienced seasons of abundance and seasons of lack. There were moments when things felt uncertain, when I didn’t have everything I wanted, when something I was hoping for fell through, and when I had to figure things out as I went along. 

Looking back, I can honestly say that in my brokenness, I never lacked what I needed.

More times than not, provision looked like an opportunity. It was the right person showing up at the right time after years of missing in action. It was the strength to get through a day I didn’t think I had the energy for. And 99% of the time, it was simply having enough for that particular season.

I’ve learned that God’s provision doesn’t always look the way I imagined it would, and faith doesn’t mean I never worry. It may mean learning not to let worry have the final say. 

I’m still figuring things out; I still have questions, I still have days when I want answers immediately, preferably in writing, lol. But as I prepare to turn 33, I carry a deeper appreciation for the ways I’ve been sustained through this year. 

I can’t say I understand everything that’s happened, but I know I haven’t walked through it alone.

That's what I’ll remember most about 32 - not that everything is easy, but that even when life felt uncertain, I kept finding reasons to be grateful. 

For me, that’s been one of the greatest gifts of this year.