Trauma bonds; why they are strong, how to break one, and how to cope afterward

It’s very hard to understand why someone in a trauma bond doesn’t just leave. We have all been in situations where we hear or are told about an abusive situation, and we are like, why can’t they just leave? It’s that easy!

The thing is, if you have never been in a trauma bond, you will never really understand what goes on. I haven’t been in one, and I am grateful for it, but to help us all understand the nitty-gritty of it, this article is here, hence the very long title.

I am an avid believer in knowledge, educating oneself, and most of all, being aware of what happens aside from our realities. That being said, this is always a judgment-free zone. If you are in a trauma bond, I hope you know that you are still worthy, no matter the situation. Now, let’s get to it.

What is a trauma bond?

We operate entirely on emotions. Yes, logic dictates that if it doesn’t make sense it’s not true, but our emotions try to rationalize why something is happening. This is the reason a man or woman or child will be in an abusive situation, and not even know it, because that is what they think is normal. This dear reader is a trauma bond.

Having that unhealthy emotional connection or attachment to the abuser who could be a spouse, parent, sibling, someone close, or significant other. To the victim, the connection is so strong, that they are loyal to the abuser, and no matter what anyone tells them, they will still believe the abuser over everyone else.

Why are trauma bonds so strong?

a. Behavior is learned

Every time a person gets hit or demeaned or called names, this becomes what they know as reality. So any time they are not hit or shouted at or called names, they feel like something is not right, and they go looking for trouble, just to achieve some level of normalcy. When the abuser realizes that they can get away with the things they do to the victim, it makes them even more zealous to keep doing it, and to them, this is how things are done.

b. The mind can lie

Deep psychological or behavioral issues from our backgrounds, experiences, how we view the world, are constructed by our minds. This is the reason you can tell someone that something they are doing is wrong, but they won’t understand what you are saying let alone change their behavior. A person who is used to being in a trauma bond has trained the mind that emotional or physical abuse is the only way to handle things, and that is how they perceive life, such that anything other than, is wrong.

c. 364 days of misery for one day of bliss

Most times, victims in trauma bonds stay in those relationships for the chance that one day the abuser will change their ways. This is when excuses such as this is not the man/woman I married, I believe I can change him/her, s/he loves me and this is how they show me, or s/he was not always like that, come up. The victims live miserably for 364 days waiting for the 1 day their abuser does something good for them.

How to break a trauma bond

You have been abused emotionally or physically for a while, you have a friend who is dying at the hands of their partners, or your significant other is abusive towards your child and you don’t know where to go. Trauma bonds are very hard to break, but using some of these tips, maybe you can find the courage to escape.

a. Evaluation

Accepting that you are in a trauma bond and it’s actively happening is the first step. When you evaluate, you will know the triggers and the methods the abuser uses to victimize. Look at how you feel in the relationship, the things you have had to change about yourself to accommodate the abuser, and how you got into a trauma bond in the first place.

b. Get by with the help of your friends and family

Talking to someone who will not judge you will help you get some weight off your chest. Granted they will not understand what’s happening, but maybe through you talking, you will see how much you pass through in the hands of your abuser. Also, your friends and family may just come to your rescue, especially when you have no voice.

c. Talk to a trauma bond survivor(s)

There’s nothing new under the sun, just new faces. There is someone or people who have gone through similar or worse situations than you. Talking to an individual or joining a support group will give you the sense that you are not alone, and that you can overcome too.

d. Seek professional counseling

Go and talk to a professional who handles trauma daily. Hopefully with them, you will find out the tick that is in your heart or mind that you didn’t know about.

e. So much distance between you and the abuser

Sometimes, separation can be good for you. Space and time have a magical way of giving you perspective on what you should do with your life or in the situation you are in.

How to cope after breaking a trauma bond

A trauma bond is like an addiction. You will find yourself missing your abuser, the toxicity of the relationship you were in, and you will want to go back, just to get a sense of normalcy. If you start getting these types of feelings, you can use some of these tips.

a. Have a list of yes and no(s)

Have a meeting with yourself and come up with a list of things that you will do and things you will not. ‘Yes, I will start managing my time’ ‘Yes, I don’t feel good now, but I will get better’ ‘Yes, I have control over my life’ ‘No. I will not go back to my abuser’ ‘No. I will not call or text them’ ‘No. I will never get in another trauma bond’. A list like this will help you get some structure, and it will help you make decisions. Remember your words have power.

b. One day at a time

Days are going to be a drag, nights longer. Just because you have left a trauma bond doesn’t mean that the effects will end immediately. Take days as they come. Some days you will be good, some you will want to stay in bed all day, others you will want to go back, others you will have to distract yourself. As you break the effects of the bond, take up hobbies that will build you up, make you feel better, or earn you money.

c. Self-care

Do the things that make you smile. Take long showers. Exfoliate. Get your nails and hair done. Go to the gym and work up a sweat. Cook new things. Invite close friends over. Watch everything on Netflix. Disappear in the world of fantasy. Walk. Jog. Volunteer.

d. Feel feelings

Wallow in the feelings you are feeling. Acknowledge them. When a new feeling pops up, address it either alone or with a professional. Get ahead of the feelings so that you can handle them when they appear again.

e. New friends? Yes!

Go out there and make friends. Attend events, weddings, birthday parties, hikes, or picnics. Not only will you meet new people, but you will also get out of the house to get some sun or fresh air.

f. Dream journal

Build your life once again. Write down your dreams, what you will be doing in a month, a year, or ten years. Put down how you intend to achieve your dreams, and build up from there. Having the dream journal will act as a blueprint of the things you need to do.

In conclusion;

Relationships are complicated, none of us will understand what goes on behind closed doors. But, if you are in a trauma bond, you have the power to get out of it and live your best life without your abuser. If you know someone in one, just be there for them, hold their hands when they need it, listen to them cry and complain, and pray that they see all they can be and more.