What Was, Is, and Could Have Been?

You met in the hallways of your dorm room when one of your friends brought him over. You thought, 'Oh, he's cute. He has a nice smile'. And your eyes met for what seemed like forever, and you smiled back despite being overly anti-social. He introduced himself, and you felt like you had known him forever. Granted, you didn't think he'd talk to you, but things just flowed, and you were smitten, or so you thought you were. However, as a cautious person, you imagined he was just being nice because why would he like you?

Now it's years later, and you barely know him. There's been so much distance. Your lives have changed. Yet somehow, in the back of your mind, no matter how hard you try, you can't forget that smile or how you feel. So, you sit down in the silence of your home and wonder where it all went wrong.

Who threw in the towel first?

Who stopped texting first?

Why aren't we as obnoxiously close?

Which girl took his attention from you?

Your mind keeps reliving when you and he had visits where you made his favorite dishes, and you dished about the guys who were giving you problems or the girls who ogled at him. Deep down, you knew, still know that, if only he made the first move and asked you out on a date, you'd say yes before he finished his sentence. But alas, you're both grown now. It's time to let the fantasy die and accept the things happening now.

Even though you seem happy, in your heart of hearts, you know your forever love is gone, has sold himself to the things he thinks are more important than you, and got lost in the arms of another. He knows you'll still be there when his life falls apart, yet all you are to him is a distant memory, someone that pops up on his WhatsApp status and Instagram stories when you post something witty to give off the vibe that you are happy. But all you want is him, right by your side, taking a jab at you for being annoying but in a weird hilarity you know he enjoys.

Funny how someone you once cared for deeply can hurt you to the point you consider ending the friendship and moving on, finding your new tribe when your whole world was in a person. At the same time, as you contemplate what could have been, you wonder if you are stringing him along, even though he's not yours. You drift to 5 years ahead to see if things are different if the universe aligns if you'll still feel the same way.

Lost in thought, he calls you complaining about how his girlfriend doesn't get him, how he's struggling to connect, and how he wishes he was with you. He knows that if he crosses the river, there will be no going back. Secretly, you know it too and think, maybe it's today. Maybe, this is the day he does it. You're happy he's finally back in your life and thinks it's for good until the ball drops again when he mentions another girl, someone you think is unworthy of him.

And thus, the cycle continues.

Will you support him through this? YES.

If he asks you to drop everything and go to him, will you do it? ABSOLUTELY.

In the same breath though, you know you deserve someone who's obsessed with you, which he kind of is, you know he wants you, and you want him, but he's scared of what could be.